AlistarStan Recent Video Stats

Last YouTube Access: 11:39 pm Jan 11th, 2012

Age: 42    Gender: m   
Home Town: Scotland
Location: IT

Most people have some sense of confidence when it comes to their day to day lives. Don't get me wrong: they've got insecurities and all that, but when it comes to the daily grind they have some sense of purpose, some sense of direction. I lack that entirely. I can't deal with people. I can't handle social situations.

On the other hand, most people, when faced with a flight or fight situation, will run. People are cowards. I am not a coward. I will fight. I will find a weapon, whether it be some competitive edge in a war of wills or a Ruger in a battle of bodies. Even if I know I will lose, I want to fight. I want to see if I can cheat defeat; defy odds, that jazz.

I know the reality is that I'm not strong for fighting. A strong man would know when to run. A strong man would also know when to stop fighting himself. But I am not strong. I feel at times like I am the epitome and apotheosis of all neurotic human weakness. And in my weakness, I am petty. And in my pettiness, I am a fighter. Not for a noble cause. Not even for self-preservation.

I fight because I have a narcissistic hatred of life and of myself. Every argument, large or small; every major criticism, every minor nitpick, every complaint, every grumpy frown or snide remark—it's all part of some mean-spirited vendetta I have against the world because I am personally unhappy and at odds with myself. But I don't let myself feel that most days. Most days, I focus on the hate. It's a lot better to hate than to despair. But then there are moments like these when the hate isn't large enough to drown out the truth: You are unhappy,.You always have been. You always will be. No matter what wealth or status you accrue, no matter how many people love and support you, no matter how many battles you win—you will always be unhappy. There's something wrong with your brain chemistry. You'll never stop tearing yourself apart. You'll never stop being your own worst critic.

I am so damn weary of it all. I'm so tired of living a life where I live in hatred and take long vacations in depression. I'm so tired of this mental dissonance that plagues me.

It's becoming unbearable.